Discover your India - Part 1

Disclaimer: This is entirely a work of fiction, and made for humourous purposes. Any resemblance to anything living or dead, past or present, is purely co-incidental, and non-intentional. The scientific, political, and other kinds of analytical explanations are utter crap too. Read at your own peril.


Question: Why does India stink so much?



(Image source: Engrish)


This question was suddenly shot out at me by a South African friend of mine, who had been to India a while back, and didn’t find the trip, uhm, pleasurable. The question left me dumb-founded, but then I gave some thought to it, and realised, maybe it doesn’t stink, or maybe my sinuses acted up a lot and blocked out the smell, or maybe it did stink.
But why?

Here are some plausible theories.

1) Aquaphobia: In school or college, didn’t we always have one student in our class, who seemed to despise/fear water with a passion? They had lesser baths than a cat, and in much lesser lives. And to boot, they didn’t even lick themselves clean. And I’m sure no one else even dared to help them in the licking. But that's another discussion. So let's say, from a class of 50 students, 1 didn't bath, and hence stank. That makes it 2%. India has a population of 1.136 billion people. So 2% makes it almost 22 million stinking people. That’s more than half of the population of South Africa. Can you imagine the stink?


(Image source : LeomarChildon)

But in the case of politicians, the percentage is higher. Almost 20%. There was a Ram Prasad Muniya, who I believe, only bathed whenever he won the elections. That means, once in 4 years. Or 2, if you count the interim elections. No wonder, he captured the polling booths easily, because wherever he went, the people just fled, and he happily kept stamping ballots for himself. That also explains the Florida elections in 2000, doesn’t it?
The police percentage is also on the same lines.
But I must confess, I also have a huge aquaphobia. I remember it started ever since I heard their song "Barbie Girl"


2) LackOToiletoVitis: Dharavi, the biggest slum in Asia is situated inside Mumbai. A country within a city. That’s like Vatican City to Rome. Without the priests, that is.
It is home for more that a million people. That probably, is just a little less than the population of the entire Johannesburg city and its suburbs. With more than a million people, and lesser than thousand public toilets, where would the people do their daily ablutions? You guessed it. Railway tracks. So every morning - if you travel by train (wishing you had sinus) - you'd see and smell hundreds of people playing the traditional game of "Kho-Kho" on the sides of the tracks. Albeit, without rules & points, and with a tumbler full of water.

(Image source: MumbaiPulses)

I heard some of the politicians join in too, probably to beg for votes. And some cops as well, but mainly to collect bribes from the squatting people, for littering in public places. The politicians who are lurking nearby, then collect their share from the cops. That’s probably how the phrases "Killing two birds with one stone" & "I don’t take sht from anyone." originated.


3) O C S (Obsessive Curry Syndrome): India is mother to the curry. We can make curries of anything and everything. You name it. We'll even make curries from curry. Millions of households making curry at the same time, could waft in so many different smells in the atmosphere. (The spices help in clearing sinuses, or so I've been told.) Hundreds of new cooks burning their curries, thus adding to the smell.
Then there's delicious curry, stale curry, rotting curry, thrown-away-in-the-garbage curry all contributing to the nasal assault, which brings to my next point.
Confession: I suffer from curry obsession. Blame Tyra Banks and her show for it.

(Image source: Wikipedia)



4) Refusomania: Garbage is to India, what silicon is to Pamela Anderson, stupidity is to Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson, and home videos are to Paris Hilton. It adds to the appeal. And we keep repeating it.
Garbage from industries, garbage from households, garbage from the millions of animals roaming the streets, and politicians who are garbage in its purest form. Let's just say, we love to dump our refuse. The phrase, "The world is our oyster", rings true with a twist, "The world is our dumping ground". It starts from, just outside our, to anyone else’s window.


(Image source: 11thHourAction)

Just recycling garbage, would be a huge industry with job-potential for thousands. Can you imagine the amount of bribes that can be collected during the recruitment process?


5) Anti Gravity Cesspool: Newton’s laws of gravity are defeated in almost all parts of India. And so are the laws of hydraulics. "Water seeks its own level." We've always heard that water will always sink to its level. Well, the water in the drainage and sewage systems of India tends to do the opposite. It spills out.
But hold on; there is a scientific explanation to it, I'm sure.


(Image source: PepperKnit)

It is pressure you see, and Newton's 3rd law "Every Action has an equal and opposite reaction." Billions of people stomping on the earth above, gets an equal and opposite reaction from the earth below. Since it can’t kick us back, it spews our sewage back at us. And there's nothing we can do about it. Isn’t that what our leaders have been telling us so long?

=================================



Thus ends Part 1 of Discover Your India. In future sessions, we will cover the following burning questions.
- Why is groping not awarded National Sport status in India?
- How to spit more effectively. An exercise in grooming.
- Bad roads and their benefits to health.