The hype of the Football World Cup to be hosted in South Africa, during June – July 2010, is at a fever pitch now. Many tourists and sports lovers will be flocking to the African nation within the next few weeks. Everyone is doing their part to make the experience a memorable one.
This is one of my humble attempts at educating the visitors and making the locals aware of the many wonderful aspects of this beautiful country and its traffically-challenged wildlife.
Many people have this notion about South Africa that it is replete with forests, and wild animals run amok on the streets. Many people around the world still feel that lions and buffalos are common occurrences on the roads of Johannesburg. Similar to how people feel that all India has, are snake charmers, pointed curvy shoes, and magic carpets. But, South Africa is marketed that way. Game viewing in the Kruger National Park, birds in the Drakensberg mountains, whale watching in the Eastern Cape, Seal Island, Robben Island (oh wait, that has nothing to do with Robins),amongst many more. South Africa is truly a game-viewing paradise.
But did you know that you don’t have to go anywhere outside of Johannesburg to see different animals? Yes, you can view them right out of your car, on your way to work, or back.
In this article, I present to you, some of the common, and rare animals that you can keep your eyes open for, the next time you drive on Johannesburg roads.
1) Hominidus Dumbassus:
Common name: Dumbass, Idiot, buffoon
Location: Found mainly right in front of your car.
Camouflage: Lowest rung cars. Run-down wagons. Rattling, jiggling pieces of tin on wheels.
Description: This species is normally the lowest on the food chain. Probably because they are clumsy, and downright stupid. They will be the ones going 60 in a 90 zone, in the fast lane. You are right behind them, wanting to pass -- and seeing no way that they will budge – you decide to move to the next lane, which is the exact moment that they too decide to move to that particular lane (at the same or lower speed), thus blocking you further. It’s normally their cars that you see stopped in the middle of a bottle-necked road, with their hazards on, because Mr Einstein, or Madame Curie forgot to fill up petrol before leaving for work. It doesn’t help that their vehicles are also prone to breaking down in a traffic jam. It’s almost as if the following equation is programmed into them. (Toyota, are you reading?)
RCB α NoC or RCB α 1/NoL.
RCB = Rate of car breaking down
NoC = Number of other cars on the road
NoL = Number of lanes on the road.
α = Proportional
Which, for my non-technical friends means, the likelihood of their car breaking down increases with the increase of other cars on the road, or with the decrease of the number of lanes on the road.
Parking Habits: They are the ones that take the longest time to parallel park, thereby blocking a stream of cars behind them. And they are completely oblivious to the irate drivers stuck behind them, while they are dreamily manoeuvring, and re-manoeuvring. If you honk at them, you realise it spooks them to no end. They get nervous, jittery, and almost have a panic attack, which stalls their car, defeating your purpose of hooting, and delays you further. And if their car won’t start again, well, I warned you.
Ideal Relocation Habitat: This species is best suited to a rustic countryside habitat, where there are a total of 3 cars in the entire town, 2 of which are broken. Lots of wide open spaces for parking and stalling.
2) Hominidus Jerkus:
Common name: Jerk, Jackass, smartass
Location: Mostly in the lane next to yours, trying to cut into your lane, to fit in the 2 ft space between your car and the one in front. They can also occasionally be found in your lane, ahead of you, when they realise that they are in the wrong lane and have to take a sudden right or left turn.
Camouflage: Slightly higher-end and faster cars. Some of the SUVs also cater to this category.
Description: This species is slightly more well off than the previous one, in the wealth department, but not in the brain department. They can afford better vehicles, but money can’t buy common sense. These are the ones going 100 in a 80 zone, but will suddenly brake when they realise they had to turn left/right. They then proceed to make that turn, blocking every other lane on the road. You not only have to be alert for them braking or turning at any instant, but also wait till they pass.
You’ll also find them in your adjacent lane in peak traffic. They suddenly hit the realisation that your lane is moving faster than theirs, and they don’t want to be left behind. They will then, immediately try to cut into your lane, right in front of you. And all this without indicating, or even judging the space between your car and the one in front of you. If you let them get in, they will merrily carry on their way without thanking you. If you don’t let them cut in, they will give you a look that combines deep hatred, and gross injustice.
Parking Habits: You’ll find these cars parked in such a way that even though they are parked in their spot, no one can use the spot next to them. They mostly park diagonally with one tyre sticking out into your spot or some such thing.
Ideal Relocation Habitat: A small village, with a maximum of 50 cars, so they can happily cut in wherever they wish. Maybe they can go cut some crops, while they’re at it.
3) Hominidus A**holus:
Common Name: A**hole, Bully, D**k
Location: The first time you look in your mirror, they are far behind you. The next instant, they are on your ass, bullying you out of their royal way.
Camouflage: Mostly the flashy cars, bigger SUVs, sporty cars, bling-bling vehicles. Mostly dark-tinted windows, but brightly coloured vehicles.
Description: These are the rich ones. Really rich, Nouveau-riche, or just pretending to be rich. They have mid to top-range vehicles, which they then bling the sh*t out of. They’ll have 21 inch rims/mags/whatchamacallits on a 17 inch tyre. If you are unfortunate enough to have a conversation with them, you’ll see that all they can talk about is their car. You’ll hear numbers and acronyms thrown at you. 330i, 4.5TT, 55L, SLK, GTI, CLS and so on. They don’t realise that the car manufacturers concoct these numbers and acronyms to make the car sound better than what it is. That is, just a normal vehicle, whose sole purpose is to transport Person X from Place A to Place B.
They are the ones going 150 in a 80 zone. Why? Because in their words, they have “ABS” braking. Which is layman for “A**hole Bull S**t”. A car going at 150km/hr in a 80 zone, can in no way stop on time in an emergency situation. Ok, maybe the car is equipped for stopping suddenly and safely, but the vacuum between the drivers ears is definitely not equipped for instant decision making, or logical reasoning. Plus, they will have lots of distractions inside their cars, such as music blaring, GPS working, DVD playing, phone ringing, the girl they picked up in the club stripping, etc, to realise what’s happening out on the road.
If it’s a single lane, and you are going at the speed limit, they’ll come speeding behind you, almost driving on top of you, their lights flashing, horn blaring, trying to muscle you out on the pavement. You can’t reason with them. It’s their right of way, because, according to them, they have a better, bigger, more powerful car.
They are also among the most impatient. If you don’t fall to their bullying, you’ll see them in your rear-view mirror, shaking their heads in dismay and disgust at your rule-following ethics. If you do allow them to pass, they will leave you behind in a wake of dust and burnt rubber, only to wait impatiently at the next traffic light, while you leisurely catch up to them.
Parking Habits: They park while deliberately blocking 2 spots, so that no one can park next to them and scratch their lovely cars. Makes you want to just go and key their sides, doesn’t it?
Ideal Relocation Habitat: A small race track, probably 1 or 2 laps, because they don’t have the patience to run the full race either. They are in a hurry just to get somewhere, anywhere.
4) Hominidus Psychotus:
Common Name: Psycho, Nutcase, Moron
Location: Mostly 2 kms behind you. The next moment they are 2 kms ahead of you. And, when you catch up to them, you find that the paramedics or cops have got there first.
Camouflage: More powerful and faster cars than their cousins, the Hominidus A**holus. Includes humongous 4X4s that occupy 2 lanes, and are the height of a double-decker bus. Also includes, tiny floor-licking Ferraris and Lamborghinis that speed past, right underneath your car.
Description: They are like the Dubai of roads. Everything about them is bigger, better, faster than the rest of the world. These are very rare animals. You see them once in a while. And it’s probably the last time their families will have seen them too. They normally go at twice the speed limit, no matter which road they are on. They realise it was the wrong road when they hit a pothole somewhere, and lie mangled on the side, with their torsos on one side, heads on the other side of the road. But then it’s too late. Their cars are so high-end, that after an accident, the car self-crumples into a fist sized tin ball that one can carry around in their pocket. Some are quite protective about their ultra-expensive vehicles, and will drive cautiously. But sometimes, petrol and alcohol makes a deadly combination. Or so the statistics say.
Parking Habits: Quiz of the day: How much space do you think a crumpled tin ball would take?
They also have a sub-species, Hominidus Sub-Psychotus, who normally don’t drive fast enough to get killed, but they do other stupid, psychotic things that more than make up for their lack of speed. These are the psychos that you see driving, while on the phone either calling, or worse, texting someone. Some are also found chatting with their passengers, with complete, rapt attention (even turning to face them), oblivious to the road in front of them.
Sometimes, you can also see the female of this species driving their big SUVs, with their offspring in the back seat. They normally have a big sign on the car that says “Baby on Board”, which automatically makes them the most important person on the road. The female will be seen making hand gestures, trying to the play with the baby-on-board. She’ll turn around while driving, and pinch the baby-on-board’s cheeks, give it a pacifier or a milk bottle, wipe its snot, and all this while driving non-stop. The driver doesn’t realise that this action not only endangers the baby-on-board and herself, but also innocent fellow drivers who have nothing to do with the baby being on board.
Some females can be spotted applying make-up while driving. If you are lucky to spot such a female in your rear-view mirror, be prepared to be enthralled at the sight of the Grinch transform into Cinderella within a distance of 4 traffic lights.
There have also been sightings of Sub-Psychotuses driving in peak bumper-to-bumper traffic, while reading a book and eating an apple at the same time. Guess which hand was on the steering wheel, and win a chance at nothing.
Parking Habits: Parking, for them, is another mission. It would be for you too, if you had to juggle cell-phones, make-up kits, babies, books, newspapers, etc, while parking. Please, please, and I beg, please do not park near them if you value your car.
Ideal Relocation Habitat: A formula 1 race-track or a jail.
5) TaxiDriverus M0F0us:
Common Name: Taxi driver. And all the other swear words that you can think of.
Location: They are everywhere. Bloody everywhere. If you can’t see one at the moment, rest assured that you’ll see one weaving somewhere close to you in 3-2-1 seconds. See, there you go.
Camouflage: Taxis. Those big, ugly, lunch-box kind-of rickety mini buses, which are equipped by maybe 10 passengers, but end up carrying twice or thrice more. Volkswagen and Toyota make them, and their 10 generations should be tortured for it.
Description: What can one say about this species? If you were observant enough, you’d have noticed that I gave them a different scientific notation. All the previous 4 species belonged to the Hominid group. But these steaming piles belong to a different genus altogether. And if you watch them carefully, you’ll see that they have imbibed all the qualities of the previous 4 species, and added their own to the mix.
You’ll never see them follow rules. They’ll stop at a green traffic light, and go at a red one. They’ll drive on the pavement, divider, shoulder lane, opposite direction, anywhere except the road. They only use the road for weaving and swaying diagonally across all the lanes, from left to right, and back. They will stop anywhere, and they will go anywhere. They will never follow the road, the traffic, or the directions. If the arrow points right, they will go left. If it points straight, they will go in the opposite direction. Do you know how to find out if your kid will become a taxi driver in the future? Say, you are a female, in labour. The doctor is telling you to push, and you end up vomiting a baby. That my friend, is a future taxi driver. Always takes the path less travelled.
They are also the most dangerous animal on the road (an equivalent of the Hippo or crocodile). Some carry guns, which they won’t hesitate to use on you if you dare not let them cut in front of you, or if you get into an argument with them. The rest of them know that you are scared of guns and use that information to play on your fears and bully you out of their way.
Despite all their wrong-doing, they are also a boon to society. They offer public service by ferrying thousands of passengers to and from their work places. See, there is some good in everybody. They also offer additional services such as population control. Their vehicles are so un-road-worthy that they are like a moving time bomb. Sooner or later it will meet with an accident. And if two taxis crash, it usually means 50 people dead. i.e. 48 innocent passengers and 2 taxidriverus m0f0uses. The latter deserved it.
Parking Habits: Parking? What parking?
Ideal Relocation Habitat: Hell.
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Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction. It doesn't resemble anyone living or dead. And the author wishes to apologise to any real A**holes, dumbasses, bullies, m0f0s, jerks etc. for using their titles here.
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2 comments:
I absolutely love your writing style.
Cant wait for more posts.
Keep it up RAW.
Your post made my day.
Thanks a lot. Your comments are much appreciated. :-)
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